vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
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When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]