Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
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The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?