Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
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One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.