If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
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well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
When I pack too much for a short trip.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
(True)
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.