“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
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I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes