Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
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My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!