7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.