You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
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The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Woke up against my better judgment again
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.