I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
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[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.