*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
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[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.