Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
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Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’