Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
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humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
No, I don’t think I will.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?