Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
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4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Hero horse inspires millions
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?