Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
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Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What鈥檚 your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Kid鈥檚 tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
if you鈥檙e not easily offended, why are you even here?
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Don鈥檛 put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Best Halloween yard decorations 馃槀
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I鈥檓 sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Unicyclists should just walk if they鈥檙e so desperate to cut down on wheels
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
It鈥檚 so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR