the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
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God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer