me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
You Might Also Like
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Love thy neighbor’s dog
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.