Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
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Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone