How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
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Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
kitchen magnet
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are