Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
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I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!