GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
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Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*