Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
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I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years