A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
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the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?