I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
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My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.