Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
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Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Born to be mild.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive