waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
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If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Am I having a stroke?