Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
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the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what