i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
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Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.