WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
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The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.