The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
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A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
#Thanos #MondayMood
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.