I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
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Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
felt cute might bury dad later idk
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.