Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
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Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.