Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
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We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.