(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
You Might Also Like
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Its a hippotatomus