had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
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*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
58.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex