Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
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YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this