*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
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me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.