*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
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[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Fries, not lies.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.