[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
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[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor鈥檚 fence*
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it鈥檚 a mess. McDonald鈥檚 wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald鈥檚. It鈥檚 Wendy鈥檚.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter鈥檚 dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
馃檨
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
WIFE: good news hun we鈥檙e up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name 賱夭賷賯 i mean stalk one guy and you’re 賱夭賷賯丞 for the next three years
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.