Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
You Might Also Like
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before