It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
You Might Also Like
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.