lightly toasted and extra crispy 馃崬
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Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you鈥檙e hired
Me: I鈥檓 sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Women will never truly be equal as long as they鈥檙e smarter than men.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
You: Cute kid. What鈥檚 his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I鈥檓 really into stereotypes.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
A water park, but it鈥檚 just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Me as a kid: I can鈥檛 wait until I鈥檓 an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Worlds greatest photobomb
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
professor x: what鈥檚 your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.