Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
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[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!