wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
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when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
man i love columbo
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Birds & Planes.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.