I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
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ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Stop.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.