*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
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Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
WWE is French for “yes”
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.