My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
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People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”