Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
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[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*