Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
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[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Pizza is an emotion right?
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom