When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
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*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.