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Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I’ll be mad as hell!
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?